Once Upon a Time, by O

O narrated this story to me and asked me to type it. And I did. Word for word.

Once upon a time, there was a little cottage. And a little girl lived in it. She was three. And one day when she woke up in the morning, her mother said, “Time for breakfast Little One. We’re having Cream of Wheat today.” The little girl said, “whoo hoo” because the little girl, of course, loved Cream of Wheat.

When the little girl was eating breakfast, she heard a knock on the door. She wondered if it was her father. Her father had been away for a long time in Chicago. Her mother said, “I think that’s Dad. Let’s go see.” So the little girl went.

When they opened the door, surprisingly they saw that it was Dad. When they saw that it was Dad, the little girl said, “Hello, Daddy!” and gave him a big hug. Her dad said, “I missed you.” And the little girl said, “I missed you too.”

So her father was very happy and she was happy too. And they lived happily ever after.

The End.

A Mom's Job Just Ain't for the Faint of Heart

So it seems like all I talk about anymore is poop.


Sigh. Such is the wonder that is my life. Oh, the treasure. Oh, the joy.


So last night I had agreed to babysit a friend's two children overnight. On a school night. Yeah. I'm nice like that. She's in Nepal for 5 weeks helping out in a little health care clinic. She and some colleagues wrote a grant and it was approved. Now she's working on an awesome project and getting nursing school credit for it too.


And once again, the stay-at-home mom friends come to the rescue. Those of us who are not out saving the world. Or rather, those of us who are saving the world one poopy mess at a time. I mean, does anyone out there realize how much us stay-at-home moms contribute to the GNP? I digress. That's gotta be a post for another time.


Anyhoo. I agreed, because her husband works nights, to take her kids a few times overnight while she's away. Other friends are pitching in too.


So last night as I'm yelling at the kids to get their pjs on, I smell something awful. Since I have two dogs, whenever I smell something like that smell, I naturally assume it's them. I searched high and low for dog poop and couldn't find any. Then I entered my bathroom and saw poop in the toilet, a poop smear going across the toilet seat, and a lovely amount of poop smeared all over the rug in front of the toilet.


I immediately started screaming. "Oh my God, what is this?!?!"


The kids, all four of them, the ones who had repeatedly ignored me whenever I made a request for their attention earlier in the evening, all ran to me. And then their mouths gaped open as they stared at the mess.


It was awful. We're not talking a couple of smears here. We're talking a whole turd's worth of poop "fell" out of the toilet and was smeared into the rug below. Eeewww.


After much cajoling and promising not to beat the offender, one child (not my own) admitted that he had indeed pooped in the toilet. And had "forgotten" to flush. But he swore up and down, with his huge sweet brown eyes that when he left the room all of the poop was still in the toilet.


Hmmm.


One child then suggested that "the dog did it." Yeah, just like the time the dog ate my homework. This time, the dog ate a child's piece of poop? Dragged it out of the toilet and smeared it on my rug?


I'm not buying this story. Let me tell you why.


First of all, my kids never flush the toilet. It's like they believe they'll get sucked down into it if they do. And they always leave the lid up.


I know. It's disgusting.


And our dogs have never, not ever, once dragged poop out of the toilet.


I mean, I know dogs can be gross. I'm not naive. Our old dog used to steal poop out of the cat litter box and eat it. But our current dogs have been with us for almost 3 years and have never dragged poop out of the toilet. I wouldn't put it past them, but since we don't have cats anymore, I have no idea if they'd steal poop from a cat box. All I know is that they've never dragged kid poop out of the toilet.


But did they do it last night? If the children are to be believed, they did.


And if they didn't, then what exactly happened?


Shudder.


All I can say is thank God for Clorox wipes and Target's cheap prices for rugs.

Snow on May 23rd

This is the not so nice thing about where we live---snow.

Today we woke up to snow on May 23rd.

May!! Twenty-third!

On the way into school this morning, in my car occupied by 4 children, I hear the following conversation.

P: I wish I was a Snow Princess.

J: I wish I was a Snow Princess too.

P: You can't be a Snow Princess. I'm already the Snow Princess.

J: You can have more than one Snow Princess.

O: I wish I was a Snow Queen.

P: Okay, you can be the Snow Queen. J and I will be Snow Princesses. J, you have to be the younger one.

J: No. We have to be the same age. Otherwise, it isn't fair.

P: Okay. We'll be twin snow princesses.

O: G, you can be the Snow King.

G: No! I want to be Snow.

O: And I'm the Queen. The Queen says we don't have to go to school today!

Mom: Nice try. Sorry.

I Love James Taylor

Why is it so hard sometimes to shower the people you love with love? Hmm....

One morning while children sit at the breakfast bar doing nothing but waiting to receive the delicious and nutritious breakfast that Mom prepares. And serves to them. With joy. And then Mom proceeds to make and pack their delicious and nutritious lunches for school.

Mom: (singing) Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel....

Kid 1: Mom!

Mom: What? (then back to singing) Shower the people you love with love. Show them the way that you feel. Things are gonna work out fine if you only will....

Kid 2: Mom! Stop it!

Mom: Stop what? What am I doing? (singing again) Things are gonna work out better if you only will....

Kid 1 and 2 at the same time: Stop singing!

Kid 1: Yeah, Mom. (sigh, eye roll) It's annoying!

A Few Days Off

While I'll miss him tremendously, I'm very much enjoying my few days off. You see, my hubby, my delightful husband, is in San Francisco this week at a conference and in his absence, I get a few days off. It's not that he puts any pressure on me. It's just that he works so hard---to the tune of 90+ hours per week---it's hard not to work hard around him.

You see, I am the perfect wife. The perfect mother too. Of course I am. The laundry is always done. The dishes are always done. Dinner is always on the table at just the right time. The beds are always made. The kids are always to bed on-time having read books, taken a bath, and brushed their teeth.

Seriously. Ask my friends.

But man, do I ever need the occasional day off. Two days? Glorious. Three? Fabulous. And four, well, I'll think I've died and gone to heaven.

So last night, as my hubby flew to SFC, I decided to let the dishes rot in the sink. I even left them to smolder while I watched the latest episode of The Office (on nbc.com, my recent discovery). And then today, no laundry. Not a single load. Usually, I do a load a day, at least, just to keep caught up. But today, none. And the breakfast dishes sat in the sink the whole day. While I dined out for lunch with a friend and skimmed through books at a bookstore.

I just may even let the dinner dishes rot again tonight. And instead will shower and settle in for a few chapters of Water for Elephants. Maybe even with a glass of wine.

Yeah. I think I like this.

Why Can't They Just Flush the Toliets?

I'm on the phone with my bff today and in the middle of a very important (ahem) conversation, I notice the toilet in the powder room. Unflushed. Again. Poop overwhelms said toilet, along with what looks like several bouts of pee and toilet paper.

"Goddamn it! Oh, sorry to interrupt our conversation but dang it! I just noticed the toliet in the powder room was once again not flushed. It's sickening. There's poop practically falling out of the thing."

"Oh, don't you hate that?"

"Dang kids. Oh wait! Did I tell you this already? Here's yet another example of my exemplary parenting. So the other day, I'm in a pissy kind of mood. Yeah, yeah, maybe PMS, whatever. I walk into the girls' bathroom and notice the toilet unflushed. With the lid up. It looked like at least one poop had taken place followed or proceeded by multiple pees. It was disgusting. So in my wonderfully foul mood, I yell at the kids---"Dammit, you guys have to flush the toilet! This is soooo gross! Do you guys even get how gross this is? it's like...okay...from now on, I think I'll start pooping in a bucket. Yep, a bucket! and then I'll leave it on the floor in your bedroom. What do you think about that?!?!"

See, I am the perfect parent.