Friday, August 17, 2007

So you think your friend is having an affair....

What do you do? I mean, seriously, what do you do??

It’s an impossible situation. Really. You’ve been friends for years. You love her. You love her husband. And importantly, you love her kids.

What do you do?

Well, I can tell you what I did, what I am doing, but I don’t necessarily recommend it. I mean, I can’t decide if how I've been handling it is normal or not. It’s such a hard situation to be in! and I’m still in it.

So a friend of mine, who barely knows the friend says to me, “So, do you think she’s having an affair?” And I say, “No, of course not.” But then a few months later, another friend, this time a mutual friend of mine and the friend, says to me, “So, do you think she’s having an affair?” And again I say, “No, of course not.” But this time I’m getting a little bit more suspicious so I say, “I mean, I don’t think so. I mean, how could that be possible? I mean, why? What do you know?”

So we start to watch her. I know, I’m not proud of it. I watch how she slides on to the playground in a slinky dress while the rest of us are in our sweats and t-shirts. I watch how she casually, ever so casually, chit chats with another dad from our school out by her car. Always the same dad. I start to call the mutual friend whenever I see anything that seems suspicious. And the mutual friend calls me. We’re gossiping. I know, I’m not proud of it. Definitely. Not proud.

So then, the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A third friend. Yes, a third, says to me one day over lunch, “How are you and D doing?” And actually, we’re going through this amazing phase. I can say that after being married for 14 years and together for 19. We’re in this amazing phase. One of those phases, one of the uphills of the marriage roller coaster, when you’re meeting in the laundry room (yes, the laundry room, face it, we have two little kids) to, uhm, engage, and you’re doing it on a regular basis. Yes, an amazing phase.

Anyway, I say to my friend, “We’re doing really well. We have this friend who we’re worried is having an affair and I joke with my husband that the only reason he’s being so nice to me lately is because he’s worried that if he isn’t, I’ll have an affair.” We both start to laugh but then my friend says, the third friend says, “The Friend and Blank,” the dad from the parking lot at school. I almost fall off the picnic bench and say, “How the hell did you guess that?” I mean, I know this third friend from here and she knows I’ve lived in Tucson and Kansas City and Chicago. How does she know it’s a friend from here? and how does she know? “Well, I’m a bit psychic about these things,” she says.

So the camel’s back was broken. What to do now? Well, the way I handled it was avoidance. I know. How many times do I have to say it? Not proud. I avoided the friend like the plague. I can barely stand to look at her husband. I’m screwed! What do I do?

Well, one day, I just sucked it up, after months of avoidance, I suck it up and just ask. I tell her everything I’ve just told you---about the three friends and how the evidence was mounting. But my heart is pounding two-hundred-and forty miles a minute. I mean, I don’t want her to think I’m judging her. And I tell her that. And I don’t want her to even think she has to tell me. But I’m avoiding her and I can’t stand it. I need to clear the air.

She denies it. But I know she’s not telling the truth. I know for various reasons that she is not. telling. the truth. That’s okay. Maybe part of me doesn’t really want to know anyway. But I still can’t face her very easily. And I about sweat anytime her husband, and for dang sakes, even her kids, look at me. The situation really sucks.

What would you do?

22 comments:

Jen said...

This was so well-written. I felt your heartbeat, and your angst. The sad thing is, I don't think there is a "right" way to handle this. Oh, for a script.

Mary Alice said...

I've had this same conflict with a friend. My friend was really off the deep end, not only the affair but acting irrational, completely out of character. Her husband (who is such a good man) called me one day. He did not know about the affair, just knew she was becoming someone else. He asked me what to do. I almost couldn't speak. I had information that could destroy him. I wanted them to survive this. I was torn between loyalty to her friendship and to his. I was torn because I would want to know if my husband was having an affair. I would be angry that others allowed me to be the fool, to be the last to know.
Finally I just said, "you need to insist that you both go to counseling together. Don't ask me why, just trust me." He did and their marriage survived. Six months later, I got a present and a thank you note from him. Years have passed now and she is back to who she once was. I had really missed that friend while she was out.

Anonymous said...

First, let me say thanks for sharing your stories; it has helped! My situation is a little different and any advice would be welcome. We are very good friends with another couple whose child is friends with ours. Even though we have spent nearly every weekend together for the past two years, as well as taken a few trips together, it still feels somewhat new. That having been said... On one of our usual Saturday nights of food, wine and fun conversation, I accidentally saw a text on my friend's phone; it was quite explicit in nature. Right then, I probably should have said something to the effect of "Whoa! What's this about?" I didn't, and now it's driving me a little crazy! I actually think she suspects I saw the text, but is hoping I didn't. Lately, I have noticed when we hang out, she is seems to be texting more than normal. I have joked about her preoccupation with the phone, but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

I am torn... I do not want to jeopardize our friendship by poking at something that is essentially none of business. But...

Any thoughts?

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